Overcoming the 1st Time Toy Jitters

Published February 19, 2010 by Patty Brisben

Many people are surprised to discover that when I started as a Consultant over 25 years ago that I was a single mother of four who had never even owned a bedroom toy. The only experience I had with a lubricant was at my Gynecologist’s office during annual exams and that doesn’t necessarily put you in the mood!

It’s so common for people to be uncomfortable when it comes to learning about or trying bedroom accessories for the first time. During our Valentine’s Day Warehouse Sale last week, I was able to get the once-a-year opportunity to work with the public directly again and it really makes me laugh quietly to myself – mainly because I remember myself taking the journey from not knowing a single thing about intimacy products to becoming much more familiar about how they can help in relationships.

There are so many people who still carry many fears when it comes to toys; one in particular that was very common at the Pure Romance Sale was men who feared that a toy would replace them. They can be very intimidating with all the bells and whistles and it may seem hard to compete with a ‘Bionic Man’. Not to mention, like the Energizer Bunny they keep going, going and going and the only time they usually give out is when the batteries finally die! However, there is absolutely no truth in this. A bedroom toy can never replace the satisfaction and intimacy one can gain from human touch.

They can be great tools to help a woman learn more about her body (especially clitoral vibrators, since studies show that up to 75% of women can only climax from clitoral stimulation). Other products like the Pulsa Bath Ball are discreet and unintimidating and offer the dual purpose of an exfoliating bath sponge and a sensual all-over massage

Bedroom accessories can also be a wonderful aid in leveling the playing field between men and women – after all, like I’ve always said, women are like crock-pots and men are like microwaves – sometimes women need a little help catching up with men. Or, in the case of Erectile Dysfunction, for example, there are stimulators that can help the man become more aroused and C-rings and lubricants that can help him to stay erect and meet his partner half way. Additionally, as I mentioned in a recent blog, toys can also help a partner going through a grieving process (whether it be break-up, divorce, or death) to keep from jumping into a faulty relationship out of loneliness.

Another question we received from 1st time toy users was a frequently asked question from women on how to incorporate a toy into the bedroom. One of my favorite suggestions helps alleviate a lot of nervousness and incorporates some foreplay in the process. Using a vaginal vibrator in the Super Deluxe Mitten, such as the Velvet-Touch, will enhance the massage for you or your partner and is a great segue into the conversation regarding vibration during lovemaking or stimulation, in general.

Whatever you decide, there is a wide selection of products that can bring a great deal of enhancement to any relationship!

2 comments on “Overcoming the 1st Time Toy Jitters

  • hi.. me and my husband have been together for almost three years we have a one year old son and a two month old daughter.. our sex lives before we had kids was amazing.. but now that we had two.. it feels like neither of us are into it at all.. we do have sex but its not very interesting… i feel like i have to buy a “toy” just to get anything out of him… Is it just a waist of time or will this change our sex life for the better???

    • Laura,
      Thank you for your email and great question. So many women email me regularly regarding this very topic. The main reasons that women experience a decrease in sexual desire following childbirth are fatigue and lack of time. Sex and intimacy are not the most important part of a relationship, but they are definitely a highly valued aspect. For most couples, figuring out how to stay sexually active and intimate with a partner following the birth of a child can help not only the individuals within the relationship, but the relationship itself. Below are some tips for staying sexually active and intimate following childbirth.

      Make Time for Yourselves
      After pregnancy, you may find that most of your time is spent caring for your newborn, rather than on trying to be sexual with your partner. It is important to have time for you and your partner after the birth of a child to maintain your relationship. Many people find that it is easy to find time for each other by:
      • Having a date night. Hire a babysitter, or ask a friend or family member to watch the little one(s). If this is not an option, do things together while the baby is sleeping—take a shower together, cook a nice dinner, or give each other a massage.
      • Taking turns pleasing each other. Stress and fatigue may cause one or both partners to become disinterested in sexual activity and taking turns means that one person does not have to exert too much energy.
      • Maintaining privacy (as best as possible!). Putting the child in another room, even for just a few nights a week, may make it easier to find time to be intimate with your partner.

      Be Creative
      Having a child can mean little time and opportunity for sexual activity (and fewer places!). Be creative in coming up with times and places to be sexual with your partner. For example, try sexual activity in the shower while the child is napping or asleep for the night. This can help you accomplish two things at once! If you are able to go out on a date with your partner, try going to a hotel. Use your imagination and work with your partner to come up with creative ideas that work for you!

      Fight Fatigue
      Fatigue is one of the most common complaints of new parents, and one of the most common reasons couples are no longer intimate after the birth of a baby. To help counter the effects of fatigue on your sex life, try engaging in sexual activity at different times during the day, not just before bedtime. Try to get a quick moment together while the child is taking an afternoon nap. If you are breastfeeding, you may find that it is helpful to nurse before sexual activity. That way, you can put the infant down for a nap and will have fewer distractions.

      Redefine Sex and Intimacy
      Women should not have intercourse until after they have been cleared to do so by their doctor (it is usually about six weeks). This does not mean, however, that intimacy has to leave your relationship. Kissing or gentle touching is still an option for couples who want to remain sexual. Sometimes, though, one or both parents do not want to remain sexual, for any number of reasons. It does not mean that you cannot be intimate with your partner. Try holding hands, cuddling, or giving each other a massage. These are all great ways to remain close with your partner without being sexual.

      It may also be necessary to redefine sex and intimacy. What was pleasurable before may no longer be satisfying following pregnancy. This is perfectly normal. As our bodies change, so can what we may find pleasurable. Try new things with your partner and experiment with new pleasures and sensations. Only you and your partner can determine what is “normal” for you.

      Go Slow
      Take your time. Do not expect to be ready to be sexually active immediately after you have healed and are given the green light from your doctor. Some women need time to feel sexual again, and this is normal. Do not force the idea; wait until you are physically, mentally, and emotionally ready.

      Once you do begin sexual activity after pregnancy, many women find that it is much easier to begin slowly. The vaginal tissues and other areas of a woman’s body may still be sensitive after giving birth. Positions that allow the woman to control the pace and depth of penetration, such as the woman-on-top, may be helpful.

      Communicate with your Partner
      Talk to your partner about your thoughts, feelings, stresses, experiences, anything and everything! Discuss your feelings about sexuality and intimacy. Explain why you do or do not want to resume sexual activity. This will help keep your partner close, even if you are unable or not wanting to resume sexual activities. Communication is just another form of intimacy that a couple can do together.

      Explore Intimacy Aids
      After the birth of a child, a woman’s body experiences a number of different changes. Some of the changes are due to the pregnancy, and some of the changes are due to the birthing process. Take comfort in knowing that many of the changes will disappear over time. When you are cleared by your health care provider to begin sexual activity, below are some product suggestions that may help combat common effects such as vaginal dryness, less intense orgasms and loss of desire (resulting from pregnancy and childbirth).

      • Vaginal Dryness
      After pregnancy you could experience vaginal dryness as a result of the decreased levels of estrogen in your body. Women who are breastfeeding also experience vaginal dryness. For some women, vaginal dryness can last up to six months. Use a water-based vaginal lubricant during sexual activity for your added pleasure, comfort, and safety. Try Just Like Me or Sweet Seduction. Both products are gentle and non-irritating.
      • Less Intense Orgasms
      Because the vaginal muscles stretched during childbirth and pregnancy, you may experience less intense orgasms for the first few months. To help this, perform Kegel exercises regularly to help restore the elasticity to your vaginal muscles and tissues. To aid in the performance of Kegel exercises, try Pure Romance’s Ben Wa Balls, which are inserted vaginally. Ben Wa Balls help locate the correct muscles used during Kegel exercises.
      • Loss of Desire
      Fatigue, stress, or worry about becoming pregnant again can cause a woman to temporarily lose her desire for sexual activity. This is completely normal. Most women regain their sexual desire after a few months. If you find that you are still experiencing desire issues after a long period of time, talk to your health care provider, who can develop a plan to help overcome these issues. A heightener, or arousal cream, can help increase a woman’s sexual arousal. Pure Romance’s topical arousal creams (Ex-T-Cee, Nympho Niagra, and X-Scream) are applied to the clitoris and draw blood to the genitals, helping to increase libido and sexual desire. Ex-T-Cee is best for first-time female users. It is edible and also comes in an Original formula for women who are sensitive and prone to infection (it does not contain any added color, flavor, or scent). Ex-T-Cee is a mint-oil based product and will provide a cool, tingly sensation to the clitoris. Only a pea-sized amount should be applied to the clitoris. Nympho Niagra is another arousal cream and is great for women who are prone to infection because it does not contain any added color, flavor, or scent. It is a menthol based arousal cream. Only a pea-sized amount should be applied to the clitoris, and Nympho Niagra will also provide a cool, tingly sensation to the genitals. X-Scream is our maximum arousal cream and contains twice the amount of menthol as Nympho Niagra, making it very powerful. Because of this, it is not recommended for first-time female users, unless the woman is taking medications with severe sexual side effects (such as anti-depressants) or is experiencing a loss of sensation due to surgery or other factors. X-Scream is also edible and is a unisex arousal cream, so men can use it as well. Again, only a pea-sized amount should be applied to the clitoris, or to the entire penis. Before engaging in sexual activity or sometime during foreplay, apply an arousal cream to your clitoris to help intensify the pleasurable feelings that you are experiencing in your genitals.

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