One Couple, Two Beds

Published September 2, 2009 by Patty Brisben

I was having dinner with a friend the other day and she confided in me that her and her husband had been sleeping in separate beds for years. She asked me, “Do you think that’s weird?” She said that he snored loudly and tossed and turned while she was a light sleeper who needed her rest in order to function properly the following day.

As I’m sure you can imagine, after 20 years of working in this business, I get a lot of questions that begin with a question about what’s normal. The answer to that is that I believe that every couple is different and it is ultimately about what works for them.

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Your mind is probably racing with images of the marital twin beds characteristic of the 50’s. However, surprisingly to some, there has been a growing trend of married couples who choose to sleep in separate quarters. Snoring, teeth-grinding, differing schedules, nighttime television habits, etc. are often contributing factors. In this case, there doesn’t necessarily mean there’s automatically a problem in the relationship. In fact, depending on the circumstances, it can also be a good thing. It shows that the couple is communicating and working together to come up with a solution that fixes a problem rather than making it worse.

Intimacy doesn’t just occur in the bedroom. If you are one of these couples sometimes (or always) sleeps apart in order to achieve more restful sleep, you should set aside special times to be intimate with one another, for example, cooking together, setting aside times to give each other massages, reading to one another, or dance lessons/classes, etc.

I do believe that it is possible to have a strong intimate and sexual connection in either circumstance. The key lies in that both couples agree with the arrangement and practice healthy communication on a regular basis. Intimacy doesn’t necessarily just take place in the bedroom. Intimacy is the bond, tenderness and closeness a couple has for one another inside and outside of the parameters of their four bedroom walls.

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