Not Tonight Honey

Published September 3, 2008 by Patty Brisben

Whether it’s “Not tonight, Honey,” or “Tomorrow, I promise,” long-term couples often experience a wide range of excuses and postponements when it comes to doing the deed. There are so many factors that go into low desire and low libido – many of which can be traced to causes beyond our relationship with our significant other.

While writing Pure Romance Between the Sheets, it was important to me to touch on the topic of low libido because in a nation where we are overwhelmed with sexually saturated messages everywhere we turn, the reality is that a large population of men and women are suffering from low-sex or no-sex marriages and struggle with finding ways to reintroduce desire into their relationships. According to the National Health and Social Life Survey, approximately 33 percent of women between the ages of 18 and 59 reported a loss of sexual desire for at least a few months over the last year! Quite a departure from the sex-crazed culture and imagery we see splattered across our televisions in the latest women’s magazines.

There are many contributors to a low libido. If you feel that intimacy (and when I say intimacy, I mean in all of its many forms – whether it be simple affection or making love) is missing from your relationship it’s important to take a close look at why this aspect of your life has taken a backseat to your other activities and responsibilities. Below are just a few examples; however, for more information, be sure to pick up a copy of the book and delve deeper into Chapter 3, Your Love, Your Life, Your Libido.

  • Have things gotten too comfortable? Part of the success of Pure Romance parties is to create a sense of playfulness and “newness” into your routine. No matter how much you love one another, making an effort to switch things up will eliminate the risk of slipping into a stagnant relationship.
  • Are you emotionally in sync? Chapter 5 of my book (Pillow Talk) stresses the importance of communication as a way to navigate through the ups and downs of your relationship and forms the emotional bond that will naturally spark physical intimacy. Nine times out of 10, the closer you are emotionally and mentally, the closer you’ll want to be physically!
  • Finally, many people don’t realize that external factors like our diet, stress and side-effects of medications like anti-depressants or birth control can have an adverse effect on our libido; be sure to consult therapy, a nutritionist or your local health care provider to find out where you can improve your health and wellbeing.

I recently saw a couple interviewed who committed to being intimate for 101 days with no excuses and wrote a book about how it brought them closer together – now, don’t get me wrong; I don’t believe that sex is the cure for a failing relationship, but in the case of a healthy, loving and respectful relationship, it may surprise you how prioritizing intimate time with one another will enhance the love you already have for one another!

One comment on “Not Tonight Honey

  • I agree about prioritizing intimate time. For years my husband and I have had a designated “date night” each week. It is a night to ourselves, with no one else in the family. Sometimes we go out to dinner and a movie, sometimes we order in and watch TV or a movie at home. And sometimes we use the extra time to explore our sexuality a little deeper. No matter how busy and hectic our lives may get, we always make sure to have this time for ourselves and our relationship. As a Pure Romance consultant, I advise the same for my clients. If they have children, I suggest they get a babysitter or trade sleepovers with another family. Couples need time to be alone together, especially if they have kids.

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