Love, Lust, Like

I am endlessly interested in relationships (surprise, surprise), the status of them, and how to keep them going. With every conversation I have about them, love, lust, and like are the main players. I’ve spent time questioning how all three are related and whether you can have one without the other and vice versa.

Whenever I talk about this, I think of one of my favorite George Strait songs, “I Know She Still Loves Me.” Here are the lyrics:

There’s just a hint of indifference
In her lack of conversation when we talk.
And the subject matters change,
There’s no mention of our future now at all.
She still kisses me each morning,
But it seems more like a habit than before.

I know she still loves me,
But I don’t think she likes me anymore.

She used to laugh at all my jokes,
But lately I can’t seem to make her smile.
And the last time we made love it was good,
But God it’s been a while.
She’s always there when I get home,
But she’s no longer waiting at the door.

I know she still loves me,
But I don’t think she likes me anymore.

‘Cause it’s just a little colder every time I hold her.
She’s just going through the motions
From what’s left of her devotion;
And it scares me half to death
Wonderin’ what tomorrow holds in store.

I know she still loves me,
But I don’t think she likes me anymore.

Right now I know she loves me,
But I don’t think she likes me anymore.

What I think about love, lust, and like, is this: One leads to another, but one of these three things must ultimately sustain a relationship. Lust is the chemistry that leads to falling in love. You can be in lust with someone and never fall in love, but when love is reached, lust has played a part to get you there. Lust doesn’t last forever— but it definitely has the ability to come into our relationships in waves.

Love is the bond that holds you and your partner together. Love is so unique to each person that it’s hard to define. Even the Merriam Webster dictionary lists nine definitions for love. What I can say about the love between significant others is that your heart swells for that person. Love is loyal, trustworthy. Love lifts you up and supports you. Love means not putting everything else in life before your significant other. Love is not taking that other person for granted. Most importantly, all these feelings are reciprocal in a healthy, love-filled relationship.

Though love gets all the credit, like is what keeps love alive and sustains it. If you don’t have that like for each other, you have nothing. As George Strait sings, “I know she still loves me, but I don’t think she likes me anymore.” He explains how his wife no longer laughs at his jokes, their conversation is lacking, and that his wife is just going through the motions. The way George sings this combined with the lyrics, I get the impression that he is most hurt by the fact she doesn’t like him anymore. He longs for the days when his wife liked his company so much that everything was happy, enjoyable, and passionate. The second a person in a relationship loses the like for good it impacts the other half.

LUST gets you to LOVE and LOVE may always be there, but LIKE will continue to stoke the fire in your relationship.

Something More, Something Less: Friends With Benefits

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Boy meets girl. Boy asks girl out. Girl says yes. The two date, admit they like each other, have a serious, committed relationship, and fall in love. This is the old standard of how relationships between men and women begin, but lately, pop culture has been turning that idea on its head.

2011 brings us two movies with very similar storylines. In No Strings Attached, lead characters Adam and Emma try figure out whether they can keep their relationship strictly physical, or as the title implies, with no strings attached. No feelings and nothing more than sex. We also now have the just-released Friends With Benefits in which Dylan and Jamie are two friends who ponder whether adding sex to their friendship could work, just as an added benefit.

Both films dedicate 108 minutes to figuring out the questions that have been plaguing women (and, OK, men) for years: Can a man and a woman have sex and nothing more? Can friends have sex without added emotion? Can they maintain their existing friendship without it becoming more than a friendship? In my opinion, friends with benefits absolutely cannot exist.

Why such a cut-and-dry answer? Because these attempts at emotionless sex always turn into something else. One of two things happens. Either the friends fall in like with each other enough to date, or one person wants something more and the other doesn’t, and then their relationship falls apart. I’ve seen it happen countless times, and I truly think this is a problem.

It is rare that a woman can have sex without feelings. We can’t really help it—it’s a part of our genetics. (Both men and women release oxytocin, the hormone and neurotransmitter, during orgasm, which calms us down, soothes our anxieties, and mellows us out. It’s also a key biological factor that bonds people to each other.) What concerns me more than that, though, is what’s behind that. Why are women seeking something less than what they deserve? At the end of the day, even if you do manage to have a version of a “friends with benefits” relationship, you’re going to feel lonely. You’re going to want true companionship that doesn’t stop the second you’re out of bed.

And that’s where things get really messy. Ideally, you would turn to your bedmate—and, in this case, friend—for that hardwired companionship, and guess what? He’s not going to reciprocate the desire for more. Why? Because you’ve said, “Yes, I swear we can be friends and just have sex, nothing more.” You’ve given permission for his caring to go no further.

A woman doesn’t agree to this kind of relationship just for fun or just to see how it goes. There is something deeper she is trying to avoid. By being friends and attempting emotionless sex, the woman is trying to avoid getting hurt. Have you been hurt before? Isn’t it terrifying to put yourself out there again? This is why the friends-with-benefits idea is so attractive. At first, it seems as though it is a safe, comfortable option, when in reality, it’s the weak and lazy way out. This is no way to go about your life—scared and timid. You have to attack your life, not seek an easy way out.

Instead of seeking a new bedmate, I suggest you take the time to get to know yourself better. Pay attention to what attracts you, what excites you, and what empowers you. While you’re getting to know yourself better, think about what you really want in a partner and what kind of relationship you long to have. Friends with benefits is not an option.

Of course, one would be remiss not to acknowledge the very small possibility that both friends want something more. It’s true. This can happen, but it must happen rarely or else it wouldn’t be worth making movies about. Here’s how I see it:  friends are friends. Lovers are lovers. Partners are partners. The end.